Donna Intera
Dating and Relationship Support & Advice for Women
Personal Coach & Trainer - Joanne Robinson
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What's Your Take On Arguments?
I recently heard one lady say that though she came from a loving family they were not very good at resolving conflict. There were lots of unsaid things and issues in the family’s history that wasn’t resolved and this pattern made it difficult for her to talk with them when new problems arose. Another lady said that her parents would say and do hurtful things to each other and the memories made her afraid of conflict.
How did arguments end in your family? What does conflict meant to you now? Does it excite fear of loss or abandonment or do you have lots of memories of confronting ending well?
I believe that our experience of arguments growing up can deeply affect how we deal with confronting and conflict in our personal and professional lives.
Conflict and learning to confront problems are normal parts of relationships but it takes learning new skills to unlearn the damaging ways of the past. There can be so much healing when we finally get to see and experience conflict leading to good outcomes such as a deeper understanding of each other needs, and problems worked out to a good level of mutual satisfaction.
When this has not been a part of our reality and we have negative experiences of conflict we can form beliefs that all arguing is bad, is too painful and causes broken relationships. It is no wonder some try to avoid conflict all together through various strategies (like withdrawing, silence, people pleasing etc.). For example, a woman is not honest about how she feels when on a date for fear of causing an argument. Or the man who wants to find an agreeable woman who will not oppose him on any of his decisions and wants a peaceful life at all costs. Or the person who seems contemptuous at her partner every time he disagrees with her.
Try this Activity
During this month, take an inventory on your beliefs about confronting and conflict. Look at your family history and record how they handled arguments and what you believe to be true about confronting problems. Have you adopted any of their values, which ones are helpful and which ones are unhealthy? Does anything need to change? Next month we will look at how to resolve conflict that can actually help improve the communication and understanding.
Want to get started on making changes? Why not speak to Joanne about Personal Coaching?
Walk Or Wait?
Have you ever wondered whether to walk the distance or wait for a late bus to arrive? It seems the longer we wait the more reluctant we are to walk because we think it might just come when we leave!
Wondering whether to wait or go is seen in relationships where there have been disappointments and unmet promises of improvement.
One person promises things will be different, while the hurt person waits to see what will happen. It seems that the longer the injured party waits the more they feel invested to stay and see if there will be a reward for their patience and long suffering.
Is there a way of knowing when waiting for change is going to be worth while?
First, we need to check inside ourselves and find out if we have trouble coping with disappointment. If we are not use to processing disappointment, it can feel easier to wait rather then face our sadness at something not happening. Yet when we allow sadness in, it helps us find acceptance and this can empower us to change or adjust our expectations and figure out how we can meet our needs in a different way.
We also need to distinguish between good and false hope. Good hope means there are rewards for our hoping. We see changes and good things happening. False hopes involves delays that lead to denials, it does not involve seeing hope become reality.
So, if you are waiting for someone to change, ask yourself are they producing results or am I getting more of the same thing? Unless they are actively making changes you can see, then your hope is not based on good things happening. Many couples keep a relationship going with false hope but those that have real hope are the ones that do the work of change and produce good things in their relationships.
We also need to ask ourselves, do I have a part to play in the changes I am looking for? When we know what belongs to us, we can focus on what is in our power to change.
The other thing we can do to see if change is possible is to live our boundaries. If we are saying what our limits are but not enforcing them, the other person does not get to experience our limitations or reap the results of how their behaviour is affecting us. Enforcing boundaries may just be the impetus the other person needs to sit up and take notice.
Want help in working through disappointments in life? Joanne is available for coaching, contact her today
Copyright Donna Intera 2010 You have permission to use these article as long as Author details are included:
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