Donna Intera
Dating and Relationship Support & Advice for Women
Personal Coach & Trainer - Joanne Robinson
Everybody has a mental list of qualities that helps them separate people into two categories - those they would consider only friends and those they find attractive and desirable. However, the problem with lists is that they can give us tunnel vision and prevent us from getting to know many other types of people who may be more of what we need.
If a person is looking for a short lived romance perhaps certain looks or qualities matter but I believe most people want to find love. Therefore we need to think deeply about the qualities required to building a long lasting relationship.
For example, a person’s height is not going to be an essential quality to building a lifelong commitment, so is it really a deal breaker? What if he has all the qualities you are looking for but is not quite as tall as you would have preferred? Consider this scenario. Your friend happens to know someone who is a great listener, has a great work ethic, is a man of integrity and she thinks you would get along but you disagree because you can’t understand his love for allotments and gardening. Are you going to turn him down over a hobby when he scores high in the qualities that are most important to you?
Yet people do this all the time and it could be a reason they are not meeting the right person. To increase your chances of finding a match, have a think about the qualities that attract you to people. Are some of these things essential to making a relationship last? Then create a NON NEGOTIABLE list of the most important qualities that you need in a partner to maintain a lasting and satisfying relationship. Now create another list under the heading preferences. (You would prefer him to have certain qualities, skills or looks but you will not close the door because he doesn’t).
Give yourself the chance to experience other types of men with qualities under your non negotiable list. It does not mean you have to marry him, or give up on chemistry and attraction, it just means you are breaking out of your comfort zone in order to find more suitable matches who value what you do.
If you would like keep working on changing your dating patterns, why not sign up for the coaching program ‘Introduction to Pattern Breaking? You will receive a FREE 30 minute consultation, a FREE copy of my book ‘He Loves Me Not?’ and a FREE Personality Profile worth £60! ...
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Resolving Arguments
Listen
In a heated discussion, we want to have our say and be heard but if we don’t listen to each other’s complaints, ask questions and give the other person time to be heard, it will be difficult to get to the heart of what the real issue is.
Reflect
Take time to say that you hear and understand the other person’s point of view. The talker often doesn’t feel listened to simply because the listener has not stated a simple, ‘yes, I understand’ or ‘so you feel angry when I come home late’. Reflecting back what you hear and understand can help defuse anger and frustration.
Stay Present
Often times, past issues are raised because they have not been resolved or are being used as a weapon. Stay on topic and make a point of requesting the other person’s does so too.
Own your feelings
Sometimes we point fingers, or we transfer our feelings and requests on to the other. For example, we may say ‘you make me feel upset’ or ‘its best if you go without me. Be assertive, own your feelings and own what you need. ‘I feel upset when you don’t follow through on your promises’ or ‘I would prefer to be on my own’. This helps your listener understand what you want and need, which is part of resolving conflict.
Admit when you are wrong
By being a good listener, you will understand the other person’s point of view and you might discover that they are right. You could say, “You’re absolutely right, it is my fault and here is what I’ll do to fix it.” Even if you’re NOT wrong, at least give them the benefit of the doubt, “I may be wrong, let’s look at the facts together.”
Remain Calm
An angry person may want to provoke you but learn to dodge the arrows by remaining calm. Walk away if necessary and state that you are happy to continue sorting out the issue once they stop attacking you.
If it turns verbally abusive
Put a stop to it straight away. Be firm and calm and state that though they are really angry right now, you will are going to leave the room and will be happy to resolve the issue once the abuse has stopped.
Does My Complaint Count?
Women with low self esteem tend to doubt their feelings and whether they have any rights to show their anger or disapproval. They blame themselves for how the other person is responding or they excuse it. They often have a tendency to wait on the other person to treat them differently and beat themselves up when he or she doesn’t behave the way they want them to.
To break this, they need work on building up their worth and accept that they have an equal value to others. Their voice counts and they have every right to exercise boundaries and let other’s know when they hurting or not liking how they are being treated.
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